Chew on this:

Emoporn?

A friend on Facebook had a link to this article that was posted online by Relevant Magazine: The Dangers of Emotional Pornography. It talks about how we have to be careful to not get sucked in by movies and shows that romanticize love and relationships. It references author Elizabeth Gilbert who discussed on NPR the proliferation of the "Soul Mate Complex" in Western culture that was reinforced by the now famous line from Jerry Maguire "You complete me." And the article also slams all fairy-tale princess stories because they give girls unrealistic expectations of a prince that will rescue them from all their troubles.

While I see and agree (to a point) with what the article is saying, I have some serious problems with the blindly thrown wet blanket on the entire romance / romantic-comedy genre.

Yes. Girls (and women) in general do love the emotional high from a romantic movie / show / book.

Yes. Girls in general do tend to hold boys to the unrealistic expectations set by said media.

Yes. Guys in general do feel the pressure to live up to these expectations.

Yes. Guys in general fight the "jealousy monster" when they think another guy is a better representation of that stereotype.

But are we really being fair to put all of the blame on Hollywood? Where are the parents of all these kids that are binging on romance without having real conversations with them about love and relationships in the real world? Why are they not starting these conversations when their kids are in elementary school and telling them that having a boyfriend or girlfriend is a waste of time at their age because the whole purpose of dating is to find the person that you want to marry? When did parents stop parenting? Maybe it was when we were seduced by the emoporn high ourselves.

I also do not agree with Elizabeth Gilbert that the "Soul Mate Complex" is a bad thing. If you think about it, all great partnerships (including marriages) are made up of two people who "complete" each other. One's weaknesses are balanced by their partner's strengths. We should be looking for the one person who brings out the best in us, who makes us complete. Now I know that the other side of this argument is the thought that we should raise our children to be complete in themselves through Christ, to be confident in who they are and not be dependent on someone else to fulfill them or make them feel whole. I totally agree!  What we have to realize is that these don't have to exist separately. You need to know who you are and be confident and comfortable in that knowledge before you can find the one person that complements your soul.

That takes me to the fairy-tale princess argument. This one can only be solved by purposeful parenting. Talk to your girls from a very young age about how and why this is fantasy. How a prince cannot save you from all of your troubles by riding in on a white horse and slaying the dragon. Why getting married doesn't equal happily ever after. You save yourself from your troubles through personal growth and trusting God. Happily ever after comes only through communication, compromise, and hard work. That doesn't mean we should ban fairy tales or squash the desire of our little girls to play dress-up. If we talk to them and help them understand the good and bad, fairy tale princess can teach them some very valuable lessons.

How many princesses do you see chasing after the prince? I can't think of any. In fact, Pocahontas and Mulan thought their "prince" was less than desirable at first and served as the hero in their Disney movies. (which are based on real events and people) We should teach our daughters that girls don't chase after boys. They have to come for us.


And while some of the more traditional princess stories have been overly romanticized, there are still great lessons to learn. Sleeping Beauty and Snow White are put under a spell by the witch and are rescued by true love's kiss. How many tweens and teens are put under a spell by main stream media? Be the voice of true love in their life to fight the pressure of conformity.


Cinderella was oppressed by her step-mother and was rescued by the glass slipper. Or was she? She used her cunning, available resources and friends to escape her jail in order to shine the light of truth and proclaim that she was there and worth being seen. Hollywood tells girls they aren't good enough on their own. Tells them they need the glitz and glam. That they need to be flirtatious and seductive. But it is all a lie. We need to make sure our girls know that they are worth the wait, the struggle, the hard work. The boys should have to pursue the princess. During their journey they will become men.

I love the song Average Girl by the Christian band Barlow Girl. In it the sisters declare that they aren't like the average girl. They are giving up chasing boys and instead are waiting for their princes to come for them. I want my daughter to take up the declaration and not have to deal with the heartache and disappointment that comes from obsessing over boys and instead just wait for the frogs to turn into princes. This goes with the "soul mate complex" -- if you stop trying so hard to find the perfect man and work on yourself, become comfortable in your own skin, you will actually start to attract more of the type of man you want and need. Desperation only attracts predators and other desperate people. Confidence can only be handled by another mature and confident person.


(more songs I love on this topic are Song 4 Tricia (Princes and Frogs) and Wonder (if she'll get it) by Superchic[k]. Some YouTube videos of these songs are below.)

Love -- it is complex, wonderful, painful, and always worth it.

My man and I were going through all our important papers the other day to figure out what we needed to put in our new fire safe. Aside from the dust bunnies we spooked (and the subsequent sneezing fit that ensued), I found and started looking through our old shoe box of love notes and letters from our five year courtship. The first thing I realized was that I was smitten, completely head-over-heels in love, with the boy who would become the man I married within the first few weeks of our relationship. The second thing I realized was that if the time-space continuum was ever tampered with and I had to relive that 5 years leading up to our wedding day, I would kill myself. They were necessary for personal growth and shaping who we are now, but my memory of that time had been romanticized over the years, and the times of pain and struggle were wiped away. I don't wish they had never happened, but I have no desire to relive them. Ever.

In reading through the journey we traveled, I was reminded of a poem I read and clung to during year four, my freshman year of college (without question the toughest year of them all). I share it here with you and give some new insights that have come with time and age.


A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning
by John Donne


As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No;


So let us melt, and make no noise,
No tear-floods, nor sigh-tempests move;
'Twere profanation of our joys
To tell the laity our love.


Moving of th' earth brings harms and fears,
Men reckon what it did and meant;
But trepidation of the spheres,
Though greater far, is innocent.


Dull sublunary lovers' love
(Whose soul is sense) cannot admit
Absence, because it doth remove
Those things which elemented it.


But we, by a love so much refined
That our selves know not what it is,
Inter-assured of the mind,
care less, eyes, lips and hands to miss.


Our two souls therefore, which are one,
Though I must go, endure not yet
A breach, but an expansion.
Like gold to airy thinness beat.


If they be two, they are two so
As stiff twin compasses are two;
Thy soul, the fixed foot, makes no show
To move, but doth, if th' other do.


And though it in the center sit,
Yet when the other far doth roam,
It leans and hearkens after it,
And grows erect, as that comes home.


Such wilt thou be to me, who must,
Like th' other foot, obliquely run;
Thy firmness makes my circle just,
And makes me end where I begun.

valediction: (noun) an act of bidding farewell or taking leave
Whether separated by distance because of travel; or time because of death; or spirit because of doubt or loss of trust, lovers often have to experience a valediction, and in doing so throw themselves in the refiner's fire to be tested, purified and stretched.

But like a compass, they are joined at the very middle, at the soul, and as such can never truly be separated. For while one may wander, the other is a fixed point that doesn't waver and brings its mate back around to where it began, home. And there too lies the heart and truth of any committed long-term relationship. If you can step away and view it from a different perspective, an overview of the thing in its entirety, you will see that each partner at one point or another trades roles playing the fixed foot or the wanderer / explorer / wayfarer.

The journey may be one of self-discovery, or it could be fueled by anger or guilt. But the most important things to cling to during these times of leaning / stretching / hearkening are trust and hope. Trust that your partner is remaining faithful to you and hope that they will indeed return. In the midst of the stretching that will seem like a big thing to ask of the fixed mark, but really it is no different than what we must do every day. Every morning we kiss our love goodbye as they walk out into the world. Every night we anticipate their return. But you can never know for sure when or if they will walk back through that door.

My biggest reward for pushing through the difficult moments, for trusting and clinging to hope is this: the moment, the long anticipated time in each day when I see that my love has found his way home. My heart still skips a beat when I hear his truck coming up the driveway. My heart melts when I see the joy in his eyes when he realizes I am the one who has walked into his office. I still want to run into his arms when I hear his voice call my name. I find myself sneaking moments to stare at him; drink in my favorite parts of him; wonder what he is thinking.

Yes, I am still smitten. Totally. Completely. Passionately.

They did what?!?

If you haven't heard about the latest lawsuit that has hit the California court system, have a seat. Because this one is going to astound, stupefy, enrage, and otherwise make you to want to drive to Cali and slap someone, namely Monet Parham-Lee.


So the gist of it is this: This woman is not a parent. She is a woman who has had babies. She has no backbone and refuses to exert her right, scratch that -- duty, as a mom to say "No."  She wants to sue McDonald's to banish toys from Happy Meals because they make the "unhealthy food" too appealing to children. And then the children pout and beg and make her life miserable until she caves in and buys it for them. 


Well, here's a thought: Man Up! Tell them no. Keep on driving. Don't give in. They will learn that pitching a fit won't get them what they want and eventually will stop asking for it. Or, how about you make them eat the apples instead of the fries and drink the milk or water instead of a soda? Then it wouldn't be unhealthy.

And the best part about it? This woman is a “regional program manager” on the state of California payroll for child nutrition matters!!! What a hypocrite! She gets paid to tell other parents how they should be feeding their children, but can't follow her own advice at home. Girl, please.

And don't even get me started on the judicial system in California...... How about I come over there and sue Hollywood for making movies too suspenseful, too seductive, too fantastical to resist? Or we sue the California citrus growers for daring to sell their fruit East of the Mississippi River where we all know that the Florida citrus is better anyway? They must let any fool sit on the bench out there. Because if they tried to bring that case to trial here, we would laugh them out of the courthouse after giving them the proper tongue-lashing they deserved.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2010/12/15/2010-12-15_mcdonalds_suit_over_happy_meal_toys_by_california_mom_monet_parham_new_low_in_re.html#ixzz18PIKi8fx

What doesn't kill us....

I think it is safe to say that 2010 started off pretty crappy and quickly went downhill before finally rebounding in September and ending (soon) on a pretty decent note.

January: my dog died. unexpectedly. violently. and I was the one who found her.

March: my Papa died. expected. peacefully with a romantic twist. but difficult to watch my dad grieve and deal with jerks for family.

May: my Grandma died. expected. peacefully in her sleep. but too soon after I finally began to understand her. relate to her. proud to be like her. and painful because my Daddy was again hit with loss and had to deal with the ugly truth about his brothers.

May through August: Russel is sucked into camp life just as I really need some stability and support. but extended family came to the rescue.

September: the turning point. Skydiving. adrenaline rush. a kick in the "bum" to appreciate life and a reminder that we have to live it. and the libido boost didn't hurt either.

October: realized how much weight I gained over the past year, but not really motivated enough to do something about it.

November: normally by this time of year I am listening to Christmas music and have checked off several names on my shopping list, but I still am not really into it yet (in December).

Now: I can still feel the "funk cloud" around. but I am going to kick its "bum". I have committed to one too many things recently because the idea of them made me excited, but I am determined to see them through. I am more in love with my husband now than ever before. looking forward to our annual anniversary trip. despite knowing that I need to lose weight (mainly for health reasons although my doctors don't seem worried yet) I am becoming more comfortable with my body (for which my husband is very appreciative). and I am still pressing on. determined. confident I will win. 

Relentless

It has been a while since I was really moved by a book. Truly inspired. Made to look inside and contemplate everything I thought I was and believed.

Here are some words to get you thinking:

Murder (dictionary.com)

–noun

Law. The killing of another human being under conditions specifically covered in law. In the U.S., special statutory definitions include murder committed with malice aforethought, characterized by deliberation or premeditation or occurring during the commission of another serious crime, as robbery or arson (first-degree murder), and murder by intent but without deliberation or premeditation (second-degree murder).

–verb

to kill or slaughter inhumanly or barbarously.

Kill –verb (dictionary.com)

to deprive of life in any manner; cause the death of; slay

Anger –noun

a strong feeling of displeasure and belligerence aroused by a wrong; wrath; ire.

Wrath -noun

1. angry, violent, or stern indignation

2. divine vengeance or retribution

Now some quotes to catch you up:

“Anger is the father of violence, as well I knew, but I had not allowed myself to consider that wrath, when it is the product of pure indignation and untainted by ideology, is the father of justice and a necessary answer to evil.” – Dean Koontz, Relentless pg 178

“The true commandment is ‘Thou shalt not murder.’ It doesn’t say ‘kill’ in the original language, because killing’s a whole different thing from murder. Furthermore, Moses didn’t provide categories of murder, some worse than others.” – Dean Koontz, Relentless pg 341

“Evil itself may be relentless, I will grant you that, but love is relentless, too. Friendship is a relentless force. Family is a relentless force. Faith is a relentless force. The human spirit is relentless, and the human heart outlasts – and can defeat – even the most relentless force of all, which is time.” – Dean Koontz, Relentless pg 428

Exodus 20:13 “You shall not murder.” (NIV translation) Commandment #6

So.....

What would you do and how far would you go to protect the people you love the most?

As Christians that can be a tricky question.

We know our commandments; number 6 says "You shall not murder" (Ex 20:13 NIV).

We have been taught to "turn the other cheek" (Matt 5:39 NIV).

"Avenge not yourselves.....Vengeance is mine" says the Lord (Romans 12:19 KJV).

We believe that no matter what our God is in control.

But there are also numerous passages in the Bible where the Lord commands His people to exact His vengeance on His enemies.

So what are we supposed to do when Evil comes knocking at our door with no other intent than to steal our joy, kill those we love, and destroy everything we believe in, hope for and want the most in this world? Are we supposed to remain meek, happy in the knowledge that we are going on to a better place? Or do we pick up our .38 and shoot the bastard in the head?

I would not classify myself as a violent person. I don't really like confrontation and would never pick a fight. I'm pretty laid back about most things, but I'm making it public here: this momma's packin' heat, and you enter at your own risk if you even think about hurting one of mine.

Where do you stand?

Jaded & Bittersweet

So, I had a mini-meltdown in church today. Had to go to the bathroom because I didn't have any tissues in my purse and then refrain from bringing out a roll of toilet paper with me to wipe my snot and tears.
This flood of emotions hit me from my blind spot like a mac truck on the interstate, but I can tell you now how it found me..... (this is your 'get a tissue' warning)
I know families are not supposed to have favorites. We are supposed to love all our kin equally, right? That's a lie. We are human and we are flawed and selfish with our own likes and dislikes. Some people we get along with and some we don't. Well, I've always considered myself to be more like my mother's side of the family than my dad's. They were/are sweet, kind, generous, loving, non-judgemental..... all the things families are supposed to be. And I was one of them, a Bearss/Bennett. Directly. By blood. The other side was fun when I was little, with the fishing trips and yard sales. But as I got older, I started to see the manipulation, guilt trips and favoritism creep in to my world. One of the other grandkids was always better at something than you were. You never came to visit enough like they did. If you didn't eat something that Grandma had made, you were intentionally trying to hurt her feelings. You get the idea...... And when I was old enough to be able to decide for myself when I would visit, the visits became fewer and far between.
But now that my dad's parents are living in my parents' house, I have been forced to spend more time with them and have come to notice things about them and myself that I hadn't before. Or maybe that I hadn't wanted to see before.
Like how Grandma and I eat our breakfast exactly the same: crumble the bacon over the grits and the eggs and eat them all together. How Grandma and I both have to clean the crumbs off the table around us after we are done eating. Lots of little nuances and quirks that are the same but aren't glaringly obvious until you spend a lot of time with that person.
So, I have been forced to see that despite how hard I have denied being a Hampton/Almond in the past, I AM one of them too. Directly. By blood. And you can't run away from that.
(Yes, I know that this self-denial falls into the judgemental and favoritism categories that I was denouncing before, and I do catch the irony of it, so don't rub it in. This is where the mini-meltdown part of my day comes in.)
This weekend I got to see a whole new side of my Papa. The mean, hurtful, bully side. And while at first I was just seriously pissed off that he had emotionally tortured my mother, I later started wondering..... is he just getting crazy in his old age (90), or is this who he really is? Has he been putting on a show for all these years and has just now gotten where he doesn't care to hide any more?? Is this one of those personality traits that has been passed on to me and so far I have been successful in keeping it locked up inside me? This was the thought that scared me the most. That one day I would become like him, how he was this weekend.
I was sitting in church during worship with all these thoughts swirling around in my head when the dam broke. Tears streamed down my face and I had to go outside because I could feel the sobs coming. And as I stood outside staring at the pastures across the street from our church, trying to pull myself together so I could go back inside, I heard the Lord say to me: You are not their child. You are Mine. You will become who I am if you will trust Me and follow Me. You don't have to give in to your DNA, because I have adopted you and made you My own. Of course this made the tears flow even more, but also gave me a peace that I hadn't felt for some time.
So, now I have to choose to love the parts of my grandfather that are like my heavenly father and forgive the parts that are not. (crap.)
But doing this will make me more like the God who saved me from myself. And that's the person I want to be. The person He sees. Not the person I think I am or am afraid I will become.

Rose Colored Glasses

aaaahhhh youth. The bliss that comes from ignorance. No stress. No worries. (Other than who's your favorite New Kid on the Block, and what color scrunchy am I going to wear in my hair?) Growing up means more independence and more responsibility, which are welcomed; but it also comes with the loss of your innocence as knowledge is gained. You have to put your rose-colored glasses on the shelf and see the world in living color.
As children, most of us preferred to see our parents and grandparents as indestructible and all-knowing. They were living encyclopedias and history books, and no matter what, they could and would do anything for us. Time, however, marches on and takes with it the youthful energy of our parents and gives us the ability to see that they are mere mortals who will eventually succumb to the same fate as the rest of humanity. They will grow old. They will get sick. And, eventually, you will be the one changing their diapers and cooking their three meals a day.

Last week I spent my mornings helping my dad. His new full-time job is caretaker, nurse, pharmacists, cook, janitor, accountant, chauffeur, and general "do boy" for his parents. They are 90 and 89 years old and have had to move into my childhood home with my parents after additions and remodeling to make it handicap accessible. My mother was looking forward to retiring soon, but now...... And I have had to watch my parents age faster than they should while shouldering the burden of caring for the frail and dying, the blind and lame, the stubborn and memory impaired.
My sister and I have also been the open ear on which our parents can vent their frustrations, fears, anxieties, and hurts over the past several months. And with this new responsibility we have been introduced to the other side. The side that knows how manipulative, selfish and vindictive some family members are.... The side that is thankful we never had to borrow money from them..... The side that has to try to balance the wishes of both parents although they contradict one another...... The side that is being driven mad by the once-loved quirks of a family member.... The side of life that gives you gray hair and migraines, ulcers and murderous thoughts.
Despite the stress and often raw nerves that come with this type of role reversal, we are treasuring the time we get to spend with my grandparents..... hearing stories that had not been told.... seeing them enjoy my children.... knowing my children are learning valuable lessons about how families take care of each other..... getting a "head's up" on how my dad could possibly turn out.....
I didn't understand until now how people could feel relief after the death of a family member. But after having to take care of my grandparents for only a few hours a day, and being witness to and a victim of the black-hole that is now consuming the lives of my parents, I know our family will feel a huge weight lift after my grandparents pass. We will miss them. We love them. But we will cry "Freedom!" when they go to be with the Father. And that time can be a joyous time because we know we will see them again. There is hardly a day that goes by when I don't think of 'what Grandmother would say' or 'Granddaddy would love to see my kids do that' or 'Aunt Deloris would be so proud of my daughter'..... but I know they see us and are eagerly waiting for us. And I will soon add Grandma and Papa to that group of people who "I wish were here to witness this...." but in the interim we will keep on making coffee, washing soiled linens, wiping bums, and dolling out meds while laughing at funny stories and how many times I can have the same conversation with Grandma:
"Is Russel at work?"
"Yes, Grandma. It's summertime, and the camp is full."
"Ooooh, I bet you love eating down there. The food is so good. And you don't have to cook or clean......"
"Yes, mam. I am spoiled."
(I lean over, look at my mother and mouth "That's one.")